Hopelog

1/28/2025

Since the night of the American election I've had to fight despair, that night hope to me seemed nothing but a distant memory. I don't live in America, so one who is less informed of my situation might legitimately believe the outcome should not have affected me as much as it did, but the truth of the matter is that loss for me signified the death of my last option; Now, I can't even run.  Back in 2022 I wasn't as politically active as I am now. When the uprising happened I stayed home. I cheered from the safety of my own house, while thousands died in the streets.  I did nothing! like a reincarnation of Kant.  I was no more than a spectator.

“a man at 15 already knows what he wants to die for and is not afraid of giving his life if he has found an ideal which makes the sacrifice essay” 

apparently said a young Che.  The truth is at 15 I wasn't ready, I didn't have an ideal powerful enough to die for.  Looking back I'm not mad at myself for not doing more.  Maybe i didn't do more because i felt like i had a second option, i said to myself i can always run.  Today that is no longer the case. There is nowhere to go.  Trump's second term made me realize that; but I never lost hope.  I always believed I could help do something. I always thought there was a way forward.  Today I'm not sure anymore.

From losing my community to depression and loneliness, I always saw hope, but not today. Today I confronted a friend, a friend I have known for as long as I've been alive.

His homophobia was becoming unbearable, and the truth is i could let it go, maybe i shouldn't have but i was willing to, until the moment he threatened me and my queer friends, after that there's no going back.

I have never felt more powerless.

Last night I watched what I presume will be one of the last episodes of the alt-right playbook “the south bank of the Rubicon” and re-read Ian's blog post on why he’s ending the series.  Last night I cried for hours, everything came together, the words felt…. So undeniably human, I could feel the tears in his eyes and the hopelessness he felt.  For the first time since the election I allowed myself to feel my feelings.  For the first time since the election I didn't tell myself “doomerisem is useless, it is time for action”.

The only thing is, I didn't cry last night. answering all the questions from my family felt truly herculean, so i stopped myself.

Thinking about it through the night, I'm still not sure how I feel.

All I know is when I woke up I was no longer hopeless.

Today I have once again gained the drive to try because YES doomerisem IS useless! but more importantly giving up means certain death. Today I am not scared of death, I am willing to die for my cause! but if i shall die i won't let my self be the murderer.

-HopefullDoomer